


The Hammer of Thor

by SelenaTerna



Series: The Disco-Stick of Destiny [3]
Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Basically, Crack, F/M, Fluff, Ridiculous Crack, Romance, This is RIDICULOUS even by my standards, but seriously crack, laugh, mentions of glitter in unmentionable places, multiple non-obscene and rather humorous phallic references, or run away, whichever works for you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-17
Updated: 2018-01-17
Packaged: 2019-03-06 02:10:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13401237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SelenaTerna/pseuds/SelenaTerna
Summary: Jack sends the Doctor and Rose a little present on their honeymoon....and they decide to get even. A truly sparkling revenge story.





	The Hammer of Thor

**Author's Note:**

  * For [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts), [Caedmon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caedmon/gifts).



> OK, so honestly? This is HALEY AND HEATHER'S FAULT! I need to say that up front. It's their fault and it just is. OK? Heather encouraged me in this lunacy (YES I'M LOOKING AT YOU, INSTIGATOR!) and Haley shared the video to the REAL HONEST TO GOODNESS PASSION DUST. APPARENTLY IT IS A REAL THING. I'm so traumatised by this revelation that the only way I could process it was to write Jack Harkness having shenanigans. I don't even know if this is even funny! it probably isn't. But it's much needed therapy to exorcise this...insanity from my head. And I figured if this fic belonged anywhere, it was in this verse.
> 
> Sooooo...yeah. Sorry upfront for what you're about to read. Thank you for being brave. And....yeah. That's it really. And sorry!

Doctor James MacCrimmon poked at the bright pink parcel suspiciously. “What’s he gone and done now, then?”

Rose rolled her eyes, and slipped her arms around her husband’s waist, savouring the feel of his naked skin. “Honestly, he just gave us a present for our honeymoon. That’s all.”

“It’s _Harkness!_ You know what his ‘gifts’ are like!” The Doctor folded his arms and scowled, managing to look intimidating in nothing but pyjama bottoms. “Remember what he gave me for my birthday last year?”

Rose cringed. “Alright, so the the bright yellow ‘banana hammock’ was dodgy.”

The Doctor fixed her with a pointed look. “An’ what about what he gave you for _your_ birthday _?”_

She cringed again. “Look, I didn’t ask him for those outrageous Union Jack knickers!”

“That’s not the point, Rose!” He growled. “He shouldn’t be thinkin’ about your knickers in the the first place. Or mine!”

She stifled a giggle. “It’s Jack. He thinks about everyone’s knickers…and what’s in ‘em.”

He growled again.

Giggling, she slipped away and seized the package.. “Come on, love, let’s just open it.” 

He said nothing and scowled. 

“Alright, tell you what- why don’t I open it and if it’s dodgy I won’t show you- we can chuck it right out.”

“‘Spose,” he grumbled. “But I’m warnin’ you, if that lunatic’s gone and got another one of those blasted ‘hammocks’ or sommat…”

“He won’t,” Rose soothed, tearing into the package. “Not after he kept trying to make you wear it an’ you threatened to cut off his bits last time, remember? He was screamin’ ‘Save the Hammer of Thor!’ for hours.”

The Doctor grunted. “ _Hammer of Thor_. Thinks a bit much of himself, doesn’t he?”

Rose grinned. “Don’t worry, Doctor, the only hammer I want is yours.”

Looking somewhat mollified, he sat on the bed and lounged back on an elbow. “Thought you were goin’ to open it so we could…get back to business.” His eyes smouldered.

She shivered. “Right. Yeah.”

With that, she tore into the box.

And stared.

“Well?” the Doctor demanded. “What is it?”

Rose shook her head in bafflement. “’S just glitter. Why….oh God. NO! Absolutely not!”

She tossed the box into the furthest corner of the room and turned to the Doctor. “Let’s just forget that ever happened. Hungry? I could do lunch!”

He frowned at her in bafflement, sliding off the bed. “Glitter? What’s so bad about glitter? Let me see it.”

“No!” She seized him about the waist and desperately tugged. “Don’t! Let’s go have lunch instead!”

“Come on, Rose, it can’t be _that_ bad!”

“It is!” She buried her face in her hands. “It really, really is!”

Reaching down, the Doctor seized the box and peered at it. “Passion Dust,” he read aloud. “What’s so bad about that, then? He asked in bafflement. “Just body glitter or sommat, innit?”

“No,” she moaned, peering at him through her fingers. “’S not just _body_ glitter.”

“What is it then?”

 “It…it goes…. _in_.”

“In?” He frowned. “In where?”

Rose buried her head in her hands again and waited.

“Don’t understand, me. What’s so bad about body…..” He trailed off suddenly. “No. Don’t tell me it’s…that it’s for….that it goes…. _there_.”

Rose nodded and moaned, head firmly buried in hands.

“But….but it can’t….how….it can’t even be _sanitary_!” He gaped. “Usin’…. _that_.”

Rose shrugged miserably. “Probably isn’t. Who knows? I didn’t even know they made… _that_!”

“Yeah, an’ normal people wouldn’t know!” The Doctor stared at the box in horror. “I don’t even want to know where he got it from!”

“Wherever he gets all his other dodgy gifts, probably.”

“What on earth made him think this was a good honeymoon gift?” The Doctor demanded.

“I dunno,” she sighed. “It’s Jack.”

“I’ll kill ‘im! Soon as we get back to London! He’s gone too far this time!”

“I’ll help you with that,” Rose declared. “Or maybe….” She trailed off for a moment before turning a wicked grin on the Doctor. “Maybe he deserves a little payback.”

“Oh?” He looked at her curiously. “How do we manage that, then? That pervert’d probably enjoy whatever we came up with.”

Rose grinned. “Not necessarily. What’s the thing he loves the most?”

The Doctor rolled his eyes, tossing the box on a nearby table. “His ‘Hammer of Thor,’ obviously.”

Ros’s grin was almost indecent in its wicked smugness. “An’ how d’you think he he’d like it if it was…redecorated slightly?”

The Doctor lifted his eyebrows. “Sounds interestin’, Mrs McCrimmon. How do you plan to do that?”

“Easy, Doctor McCrimmon.” Rose grinned. “Still got that banana hammock?”

The Doctor burst out laughing. “Fantastic!”

+++++++

Jack Harkness grinned smugly to himself as he read Rose’s note.

_Saw this and thought of you._

He smirked as he looked at the box containing his very own banana hammock. He had to admit, he was more than a little impressed that Rose and the Doc had managed to get it delivered to him whilst they were still on honeymoon in Italy, and it was utterly adorable that they thought they could embarrass him in return for his little honeymoon… _gift_. 

Of course, he was morally obligated to return the favour and embarrass the hell out of them by sending them a picture of him wearing said banana hammock.

He reached for the hammock and slipped it on, turning to look for his phone.

And froze.

Something felt….odd.

He frowned. The sling wasn’t supposed to cling like that. What on earth had they lined the sling with?

Unless…..

“No!” He gasped suddenly, tearing at the sling. “They couldn’t have! They _wouldn’t_ have!”

Ripping it off, his eyes grew wide with horror and he reached immediately for his phone, dialling frantically.

He waited what seemed to be forever before the call was answered.

_‘Lo?’_

“Rose!” He shrieked. “How could you?”

There was muffled laughter on the other end.

 _“In a bit of a sticky situation, Harkness?”_ The Doctor sounded far too pleased for Jack’s panicked state of mind.

“You’ve compromised the Hammer of Thor!” He howled. 

There was more laughter before Rose choked out, _“You always said it practically glows in the dark!”_

“I can’t be seen like this!”

 _“Calm down, Harkness,”_ the Doctor snorted. _“It’ll come right off in the shower.”_

More laughter. 

“That’s not the point!” He huffed. “How could you ruin a masterpiece?”

 _“Thought your ‘masterpiece’ was that monstrosity you painted in the sky?”_ The Doc demanded, laughing.

“Don’t call it that! My Disco-Stick of Destiny brought you together!” Jack huffed. “And it was _art_.”

Rose snorted. _“Now ’you have the_ ** _true_** _Disco-Stick of Destiny!”_

Jack huffed again. “Very funny.”

 _“We thought so.”_ He could practically hear the Doctor smirking. ’ _That’ll teach you to send us glitter to put in unmentionable places!”_

_“Or banana hammocks!” Rose chimed in._

“Alright, fine, point taken! No more unmentionable glitter. Or banana hammocks,” he muttered unable to believe they’d actually outmanoeuvred him in the outrageous stakes. “Can I still buy naughty knickers for Rose?”

_“No!”_

“Fine, fine,” he grumbled. “But that was a mean prank you pulled! You took it too far!”

_“Oh, don’t even try!” The Doctor admonished. “No one made you put in on, did they?”_

“No, but-”

_“An’ admit it, you put it on because you were goin’ to send us a photo, weren’t you?”_

Jack froze. How did they always _know?_ “Maybe.”

_“Right, then.”_

“Alright!” Jack sighed. “I get it. No more unmentionables.”

_“Glad to hear it. Enjoy your shower, Harkness.”_

_Click._

Jack sighed, looking down at his glittering unmentionables before making his way to the shower. Once under the steaming hot water, in spite of his irritation, he soon found himself singing.

_"I'm blue da ba dee da ba daa….”_

_Fin_

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Come follow me at countessselena.tumblr.com


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